William Simons charts the misuse of Public Relations by BP and wonders what went wrong.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was seeing the three stooges (Carl Henric Svanberg, Tony Hayward and Bob Dudley) outside BP’s corporate headquarters, looking like junior office workers who have nipped outside for a cheap cigarette, trying to explain why one sacked, persona non grata Chief Executive (Paul Hayward) is going east and another one is hastily being withdrawn from a country where he is as welcome as a turd in a swimming pool to replace the aforementioned Hayward in the west. Another monumental PR disaster from the company, which really knows how to turn a bad situation into a catastrophe. Rule number one in the Simons book of PR – control your environment. Instead of looking like rent boys waiting for tricks, why on earth hadn’t they invited a select TV crew into their boardroom with tasteful corporate logos in the background and answered a pre-agreed set of questions from a sympathetic interviewer?
The BP trail of economic and environmental disaster is by now well known. On the 20th April their Deepwater Horizon rig exploded killing 11 workers. This of course was an unimaginable tragedy for the families and friends of the workers involved, however this didn’t exactly make the front pages. In fact hardly anything was reported until a couple of weeks later when oil began showing up on the gulf’s beaches. Rule number 2 in the good book – be reactive in turning negatives into positives. How different our view of the personality-devoid, monotone Hayward would have been if we had seen him in a hard hat, piloting great environmental clean up vessels, ordering square-jawed oil workers to leap into action. What did we get? Nothing more than a reason to buy “Stupid White Men” and to vote green.
Enter stage left Tony Hayward at the hearing of The U.S. House Energy Subcommittee on Oversight and Investigations. Some American halfwit with an undersized microdot of senate hearing experience had obviously been advising Tony on how to conduct himself. He obviously didn’t have time to cover the “you are going to look like a twat if you constantly refuse to answer questions” chapter, resulting in one of the most stomach churning hearing performances in modern history and succeeding in nothing more than making the US / UK divide wider. Tony Hayward had single-handedly given news networks more 10-second, gut-wrenching sound bytes from this short hearing than Donald Rumsfeld had amassed in his lifetime.
Next idiot to come to the PR battle line – The Swede (or is he a turnip) Carl-Henric Svanberg, the former CEO of Swedish telecom giant Ericsson. Now Carl-Henric had been given as a special end of sale bonus, two dead bodies to resuscitate – BP’s nose-diving reputation and that of Paul Hayward. Next rule from my PR book, if English ain’t your first language – learn it proper like what I have. Swedes are of course very laid back and have the habit speaking English the way they speak Swedish most notably by emphasising the second syllable of each word. Hence we then have to listen to his semi Oxford English proclaiming “Paaaaaul is dooooooing an exxxxxxxxxcelent joooob”.
The question that springs to my mind is that “are these guys making so much money that they have lost touch with reality?” Certainly in the vanity, sanity, reality rating (turnover, profit, cash in the bank) they are in enviable territory and boy can you have so much fun with their figures. Based on their 2009 figures of revenues of $246 billion and profits of $16 billion, you can work out that globally BP’s cash registers are being filled up to the tune of $7000 every second and that they make a profit of $43 million a day! The shrimp fisherman, café owner and guest house proprietor whose business that these guys have ruined are so far fetched from their reality, that they can not hope to comprehend their suffering or financial loss. How indeed do you even begin to calculate loss? Sure for the fisherman he can say that last year he earned x and this year he earned y, cough up the difference BP. But what about the small businesses not directly effected by the spill? How does a gas station owner, miles from the gulf coast claim that his passing trade has been affected by these morons?
Where does BP go from here? Well replacing one failure with another isn’t going to cut the mustard. At least Bob Dudley in the short time he has been in the position hasn’t let himself be photographed on a luxury racing yacht or been overheard how sorry he feels for himself. The freshman’s business school textbook answer is obviously rebranding of the BP name and there is already some gossip that BP might just do that. The majority of the world is now going to inextricably link BP with their handling of the spill. However in my opinion BP need someone with such a unique quality that most spell-checkers don’t even recognise the word – they need a “do-er” and preferably a human one who can express feelings, give answers and listen. I’m not sure BP’s head-hunters had heard of such a person but most of the gulf coast population would be willing to help in the search.
©William Simons
Monday, 2 August 2010
Monday, 26 July 2010
Benidorm – It’s my Costa Banker!
William Simons explains why the home of the package holiday is still a safe bet.
When the word Benidorm pops up in holiday conversation, 99% of people turn their noses up as though they have just walked through a farmyard. But what if I was to tell you that you could spend all summer there and not meet another Brit or that it is one of the most popular destinations for the Spaniards and that the food there is world class?
To understand why I have been returning there on and off for the last 20 years, we need to look at the geography of the place. Benidorm is a large town of 70 000 made up of two beaches sandwiching an old town jutting out on a headland. Levante beach forms the northern border of coastal Benidorm, followed by Poniente in the south. Both beaches are massive, wide and most importantly cleaned by a groomer style machine most nights. Poniente is almost exclusively populated by the Spaniards and the same can be said of 75% of Levante, with only the most northern tip having white (well red actually!) torsos on it. Behind Benidorm to the west there are the impressive Puig Campana Mountains, providing an amazing contrast to the skyscraper apartment blocks.
Now so many Spaniards can’t be wrong – they come for the food, clean blue-flagged beaches, blue sea and almost guaranteed weather. In fact if I were a resident here I wouldn’t begrudge paying my taxes one iota – beaches are groomed, beach pavements are hosed down every morning, bins are emptied, there is always a policeman visible and they lay on a November fiesta with astonishing fireworks every year.
The old town is by far my family’s favourite part of Benidorm. Small cobble-lined streets flanked by whitewashed buildings, jostling for position on the headland. Here you can find some amazing tapas bars. If you have never eaten tapas it is an experience not to be missed. Don’t be put off by the crowds or that you don’t speak Spanish – just point at the dishes already on show and hold the appropriate number of fingers up you require! The places are so busy that the food is always fresh and the choice on offer is staggering. Don’t miss the chance to try something new – squid, snails, pig’s trotters and octopus – at least you will have something to tell the neighbours about when you get home! The floors of these places are covered in paper serviettes, for the simple reason that once you are finished wiping your mouth of meatball sauce, you simple throw the serviette on the floor and grab a new one. The floors are swept clean every night.
Our favourite excursion in Benidorm is to take a boat trip to the nearby Isle De Benidorm. For €15 a head you get a lovely half hour boat trip to the island, where you transfer to a glass-bottomed submarine. Who needs to dress up like Jacques Cousteau when you can see marine life like this? After this there is a lovely café looking back towards Benidorm and it is then that you can really appreciate the rugged beauty of the landscape behind the town.
If you ever get tired from beach life, there are other options. There are a couple of waterparks (Aqualandia being our favourite), Mundomar – an animal park with dolphins, the theme parks of Terra Mitica and Terra Natura and a whole host of charming mountain villages just a short drive away.
It is not only tapas bars. There are a wide variety of restaurants to choose from – to say “wide variety” is somewhat of an understatement; we are constantly finding “new” discoveries. Even with recent currency fluctuations food and drink is still reasonable; especially if you opt for the Menu Del Dia option. By law every restaurant must have a set, fixed-price menu including beverage. These are often prices at around the €10 mark for 3 courses including wine. For a treat, we go to the restaurant in the harbour and have a shellfish platter washed down with a cool jug of Sangria. This €60 platter will feed a family of four in a fantastic setting – watching the sun go down behind the mountains with the flotilla of small boats bobbing around in the foreground.
The “English end” for me is treated a bit like an excursion. As an ex-pat it is nice to remind myself why I left The UK behind. I must admit I do have a soft spot for the 5ft high, bald Freddie Mercury impressionist, but Sticky Vicky, Sexy Barbara, karaoke, and endless “vocal impressionists” I can do without. This part of town is concentrated to about 10 blocks on two parallel streets. “Proper” acts do come to Benidorm. Sting and The Rolling Stones have both played there recently.
Accommodation is defiantly in the “you get what you pay for” range. Expect to pay more for beach front apartments with sea views (worth the extra as we spotted dolphins on two occasions this year) with prices decreasing as you move further inland. If you book privately, beware of words such as “lively” and “in the heart of”. One can only take so much of Freddie! Surprisingly there are a number of all-inclusive hotels, but surely with all the great restaurants on your doorstep this would be like being a sheep kept in the barn with a green field outside, on a fine spring day?
The November fiesta is my personal highlight. It is here when the Spaniards really let loose in a week long orgy of celebration. The whole of the old town in turned into a cacophony of noise, impromptu bars and firework cracks. Empty shops are rented for the week by penneas, which are groups of people that save all year round to buy alcohol, dress up in team colours and parade around the old town with their own band. Just try and imagine the noise as multitudes of penneas are dancing and playing their way around the old streets letting of fireworks and singing at the top of their voices. Now I’m going to sound like I’ve been smoking something I shouldn’t here, but the most un-missable item on the programme is the 2pm fireworks. No it is not a printing error, in the middle of the Sunday afternoon the main street is closed off and all hell breaks loose. The bangs are so loud that they make your ribcage rattle – last year there were even rockets that exploded producing a downpour of t-shirts! Monday morning at 3am sees an even more bizarre spectacle. Suddenly through your drunken haze, one notices more and more young people walking around in scarves, hats and gloves. Now my temperature regulation mechanism has had so much cerveza by this point that you could put me on the North Pole in shorts and flip-flops, but even I think this is strange. The reason for this over dressing is made clear when you meet thousands of people jumping as one with Catherine wheels above their heard with showers of sparks flying everywhere – it really is time for bed!
Tips to get even more out of Benidorm
Spend the morning by your pool and then go to the beach after lunch. The Spaniards are creatures of habit and flock to the beaches in the morning. At 1pm everyone leaves en-mass for their siesta, leaving the beach free for everyone else.
Use a “menu del dia” as a litmus test for a new restaurant. If the set menu is good, it is a safe bet that the rest of the menu might be worth exploring on a future visit.
Eat local – if the restaurant is busy is going to be good. Spaniards eat very late in the evening, so make note of busy eateries and come back before 8pm.
Get out on the water. You can only really appreciate the beauty of the mountains by seeing them from the sea. Take a boat trip either to Benidorm Island or nearby Calpe.
A smattering of Spanish will get you a long way. The lack of English particularly by the young constantly surprises us.
© William Simons
When the word Benidorm pops up in holiday conversation, 99% of people turn their noses up as though they have just walked through a farmyard. But what if I was to tell you that you could spend all summer there and not meet another Brit or that it is one of the most popular destinations for the Spaniards and that the food there is world class?
To understand why I have been returning there on and off for the last 20 years, we need to look at the geography of the place. Benidorm is a large town of 70 000 made up of two beaches sandwiching an old town jutting out on a headland. Levante beach forms the northern border of coastal Benidorm, followed by Poniente in the south. Both beaches are massive, wide and most importantly cleaned by a groomer style machine most nights. Poniente is almost exclusively populated by the Spaniards and the same can be said of 75% of Levante, with only the most northern tip having white (well red actually!) torsos on it. Behind Benidorm to the west there are the impressive Puig Campana Mountains, providing an amazing contrast to the skyscraper apartment blocks.
Now so many Spaniards can’t be wrong – they come for the food, clean blue-flagged beaches, blue sea and almost guaranteed weather. In fact if I were a resident here I wouldn’t begrudge paying my taxes one iota – beaches are groomed, beach pavements are hosed down every morning, bins are emptied, there is always a policeman visible and they lay on a November fiesta with astonishing fireworks every year.
The old town is by far my family’s favourite part of Benidorm. Small cobble-lined streets flanked by whitewashed buildings, jostling for position on the headland. Here you can find some amazing tapas bars. If you have never eaten tapas it is an experience not to be missed. Don’t be put off by the crowds or that you don’t speak Spanish – just point at the dishes already on show and hold the appropriate number of fingers up you require! The places are so busy that the food is always fresh and the choice on offer is staggering. Don’t miss the chance to try something new – squid, snails, pig’s trotters and octopus – at least you will have something to tell the neighbours about when you get home! The floors of these places are covered in paper serviettes, for the simple reason that once you are finished wiping your mouth of meatball sauce, you simple throw the serviette on the floor and grab a new one. The floors are swept clean every night.
Our favourite excursion in Benidorm is to take a boat trip to the nearby Isle De Benidorm. For €15 a head you get a lovely half hour boat trip to the island, where you transfer to a glass-bottomed submarine. Who needs to dress up like Jacques Cousteau when you can see marine life like this? After this there is a lovely café looking back towards Benidorm and it is then that you can really appreciate the rugged beauty of the landscape behind the town.
If you ever get tired from beach life, there are other options. There are a couple of waterparks (Aqualandia being our favourite), Mundomar – an animal park with dolphins, the theme parks of Terra Mitica and Terra Natura and a whole host of charming mountain villages just a short drive away.
It is not only tapas bars. There are a wide variety of restaurants to choose from – to say “wide variety” is somewhat of an understatement; we are constantly finding “new” discoveries. Even with recent currency fluctuations food and drink is still reasonable; especially if you opt for the Menu Del Dia option. By law every restaurant must have a set, fixed-price menu including beverage. These are often prices at around the €10 mark for 3 courses including wine. For a treat, we go to the restaurant in the harbour and have a shellfish platter washed down with a cool jug of Sangria. This €60 platter will feed a family of four in a fantastic setting – watching the sun go down behind the mountains with the flotilla of small boats bobbing around in the foreground.
The “English end” for me is treated a bit like an excursion. As an ex-pat it is nice to remind myself why I left The UK behind. I must admit I do have a soft spot for the 5ft high, bald Freddie Mercury impressionist, but Sticky Vicky, Sexy Barbara, karaoke, and endless “vocal impressionists” I can do without. This part of town is concentrated to about 10 blocks on two parallel streets. “Proper” acts do come to Benidorm. Sting and The Rolling Stones have both played there recently.
Accommodation is defiantly in the “you get what you pay for” range. Expect to pay more for beach front apartments with sea views (worth the extra as we spotted dolphins on two occasions this year) with prices decreasing as you move further inland. If you book privately, beware of words such as “lively” and “in the heart of”. One can only take so much of Freddie! Surprisingly there are a number of all-inclusive hotels, but surely with all the great restaurants on your doorstep this would be like being a sheep kept in the barn with a green field outside, on a fine spring day?
The November fiesta is my personal highlight. It is here when the Spaniards really let loose in a week long orgy of celebration. The whole of the old town in turned into a cacophony of noise, impromptu bars and firework cracks. Empty shops are rented for the week by penneas, which are groups of people that save all year round to buy alcohol, dress up in team colours and parade around the old town with their own band. Just try and imagine the noise as multitudes of penneas are dancing and playing their way around the old streets letting of fireworks and singing at the top of their voices. Now I’m going to sound like I’ve been smoking something I shouldn’t here, but the most un-missable item on the programme is the 2pm fireworks. No it is not a printing error, in the middle of the Sunday afternoon the main street is closed off and all hell breaks loose. The bangs are so loud that they make your ribcage rattle – last year there were even rockets that exploded producing a downpour of t-shirts! Monday morning at 3am sees an even more bizarre spectacle. Suddenly through your drunken haze, one notices more and more young people walking around in scarves, hats and gloves. Now my temperature regulation mechanism has had so much cerveza by this point that you could put me on the North Pole in shorts and flip-flops, but even I think this is strange. The reason for this over dressing is made clear when you meet thousands of people jumping as one with Catherine wheels above their heard with showers of sparks flying everywhere – it really is time for bed!
Tips to get even more out of Benidorm
Spend the morning by your pool and then go to the beach after lunch. The Spaniards are creatures of habit and flock to the beaches in the morning. At 1pm everyone leaves en-mass for their siesta, leaving the beach free for everyone else.
Use a “menu del dia” as a litmus test for a new restaurant. If the set menu is good, it is a safe bet that the rest of the menu might be worth exploring on a future visit.
Eat local – if the restaurant is busy is going to be good. Spaniards eat very late in the evening, so make note of busy eateries and come back before 8pm.
Get out on the water. You can only really appreciate the beauty of the mountains by seeing them from the sea. Take a boat trip either to Benidorm Island or nearby Calpe.
A smattering of Spanish will get you a long way. The lack of English particularly by the young constantly surprises us.
© William Simons
How stupid do you have to be not to own a boat?
How stupid do you have to be not to own a boat?
William Simons explains why boat ownership should be compulsory in his adopted homeland of Sweden
With estimates varying from 1 in 7 to 1 in 4 households owning a boat in Sweden, my question is why the non-boat owning households are not rounded up at dawn and made to lick clean the toilets at their local IKEA? What on earth can be their excuse for not owning a boat?
It can’t be the lack of availability. On one of Sweden’s most popular second-hand websites there are currently 13600 motorboats, 2660 sailboats and 590 rowboats for sale. That is just one website. There are other more maritime specific sites, newspapers and magazines to throw into the mix. Price can’t either be an issue. Playing the “what I would buy with xyz kroner” is a real eye-opener. Prices for a used rowboat with 5hp outboard start at around $400. For $2700 – $4000 you have a multitude of Ryds, Cresents, Flippers or Selcos all with working 50hp outboards to get your motorboat juices flowing. On the sailing side of things for the same budget you have more Marieholms, Folkboats, Maxis, Triss, Ohlsons, Rocks and Belonas than you know what to do with.
Let’s just pause for a moment and let this sink in. For the same price as a well worn family car from the late nineties or a smelly caravan from the mid eighties, you and your family can get on the water, experience new places, learn new skills, meet new people and stay overnight!
Going up slightly in budget is even more mouth-watering. $6800 – $9500 will buy a fully-equipped Vega (27ft), a Hallberg-Rassy Misil 2 (27ft) or even a 31ft Markant B31. For motorboat lovers, what about a Shetland 580, a Flipper 580 or even a Century 20? The list is long!
The lack of places to sail can’t even be an excuse. With 80% of the population living within 15 minutes of the sea and the vast majority of those on the Baltic side with its non-tidal, archipelago accessible cruising; there simply is no excuse. Even for me living in the middle of Sweden in a ski resort, I could hook up the trailer and either be on the east coast of Sweden in 3 hours or in the Norwegian fjords in 2. Inland waterways are unbelievably plentiful and navigable. Vänern, Sweden’s largest and Europe’s third largest inland lake lies within easy reach of the populated south. This and most other lakes and major waterways are professionally marked and charted, with numerous cruising guides and information portals.
Of course Sweden has been hit by the global recession just as other countries have. Unemployment is now nudging 10% and people are tightening their belts just as they are around the world. Sweden is an outdoor country and the very fact that people fish, picks berries and can light a fire by rubbing a Swedish meatball against a Volvo could explain the non 100% boat ownership figure. When you are already at one with nature, do you really need to then spend your free time antifouling, cleaning the heads or changing injector pipes?
© William Simons
William Simons explains why boat ownership should be compulsory in his adopted homeland of Sweden
With estimates varying from 1 in 7 to 1 in 4 households owning a boat in Sweden, my question is why the non-boat owning households are not rounded up at dawn and made to lick clean the toilets at their local IKEA? What on earth can be their excuse for not owning a boat?
It can’t be the lack of availability. On one of Sweden’s most popular second-hand websites there are currently 13600 motorboats, 2660 sailboats and 590 rowboats for sale. That is just one website. There are other more maritime specific sites, newspapers and magazines to throw into the mix. Price can’t either be an issue. Playing the “what I would buy with xyz kroner” is a real eye-opener. Prices for a used rowboat with 5hp outboard start at around $400. For $2700 – $4000 you have a multitude of Ryds, Cresents, Flippers or Selcos all with working 50hp outboards to get your motorboat juices flowing. On the sailing side of things for the same budget you have more Marieholms, Folkboats, Maxis, Triss, Ohlsons, Rocks and Belonas than you know what to do with.
Let’s just pause for a moment and let this sink in. For the same price as a well worn family car from the late nineties or a smelly caravan from the mid eighties, you and your family can get on the water, experience new places, learn new skills, meet new people and stay overnight!
Going up slightly in budget is even more mouth-watering. $6800 – $9500 will buy a fully-equipped Vega (27ft), a Hallberg-Rassy Misil 2 (27ft) or even a 31ft Markant B31. For motorboat lovers, what about a Shetland 580, a Flipper 580 or even a Century 20? The list is long!
The lack of places to sail can’t even be an excuse. With 80% of the population living within 15 minutes of the sea and the vast majority of those on the Baltic side with its non-tidal, archipelago accessible cruising; there simply is no excuse. Even for me living in the middle of Sweden in a ski resort, I could hook up the trailer and either be on the east coast of Sweden in 3 hours or in the Norwegian fjords in 2. Inland waterways are unbelievably plentiful and navigable. Vänern, Sweden’s largest and Europe’s third largest inland lake lies within easy reach of the populated south. This and most other lakes and major waterways are professionally marked and charted, with numerous cruising guides and information portals.
Of course Sweden has been hit by the global recession just as other countries have. Unemployment is now nudging 10% and people are tightening their belts just as they are around the world. Sweden is an outdoor country and the very fact that people fish, picks berries and can light a fire by rubbing a Swedish meatball against a Volvo could explain the non 100% boat ownership figure. When you are already at one with nature, do you really need to then spend your free time antifouling, cleaning the heads or changing injector pipes?
© William Simons
Penal System – Simonsland Style
Willam Simons the Supreme Leader of Simonsland explains about his new prison, that along with murders, paedophiles, people smugglers and BMW drivers; has a special wing for the most dangerous of citizens.
A cornerstone of the new world order of Simonsland would be a jail. Not any old jail but a large “Colditz” style castle, with whitewashed walls, perched inaccessible in some remote mountainous corner of the supreme leader’s state. Photographers would produce grainy, fuzzy shots with telephoto lenses of indistinct prisoners in jump suits. Journalists would use words like “infamous, feared, notorious and impenetrable”. There would be rumours of mistreatment, ex-cons would appear on cheap TV shows with hints on the conditions inside and The U.N. would raise eyebrows every time the jail got mentioned outside in the free world.
Obviously the jail would contain murders, paedophiles, people smugglers and BMW drivers. But there would be special wings for people who have never experienced sailing, everyone under 25 who weighs over 100 kilos, people who stay inside when the Simonsland weather service reports that it is over 25 ° C and motorcycle riders. Teenagers who don’t wear belts, fellow commuters that don’t give up seats to the elderly, shoppers who don’t hold doors open for the next person and litter bugs would be rounded up by the Simonsland police and left to ponder their fate and listen to pre-recorded fake screams and whipping noises, whilst they sit out open-ended sentences.
By far the biggest wing would be for two most harmful categories of scum. Architects and councillors that sit on town planning committees approving architect’s designs. Sure a murderer is a harmful member of the community causing imaginable loss and pain to those affected. But my point is that these poor people are a select group – architecture affects whole communities, towns, cities and even countries. It takes one idiot architect and one halfwit councillor to set a whole community on the slippery slope to destruction.
Architects are educated types, mostly having to qualify by gaining a degree that takes 3 – 4 years of study. How in the name of sanity, after all this time and effort, can they then produce eyesores that they stand back and look at and think “hmm that steel and concrete 10 storey building just fits in fine with the other buildings in this quaint village with its wooden houses not over tree level”. Even worse is the councillor who then rubber stamps his approval on this pimple on the un-acneed face of the land. Once this process is complete, it is all too easy for the next guy with red braces, glasses and a pencil to come up with some even more hideous – only having to point to the building next door to prove his point – “if they got away with it, so can I”.
Are you spotting some resentment here? Well yes – earn yourself a valuable “get out of jail free” card (non-transferable). The village I live in used to be that idyllic picture postcard type tourist trap that your Granny would fondly recount about that she visited in her youth. The early hotels here were nothing more than wooden, two storey affairs that sat perfectly in tune with their surroundings. Not a neon light, concrete slab, steel girder or florescent vest wearing builder in sight. This most delightful of status-quos was upset by the two aforementioned categories of criminals – yes the architect and town councillor. Now we are in the midst of an architectural orgy of concrete lawlessness – anything goes (including style and common sense). Now I am to art and design that Elvis Presley was to healthy eating, but even I constantly say “how can they think that passes in?” or “who thought that was attractive?”
Simonsland would be a stunning place to live, not just because of its Supreme Leader but with the threat of the Simonsland penal system. However there is one drawback here and that is the population of Simonsland would probably be 1.
© William Simons
A cornerstone of the new world order of Simonsland would be a jail. Not any old jail but a large “Colditz” style castle, with whitewashed walls, perched inaccessible in some remote mountainous corner of the supreme leader’s state. Photographers would produce grainy, fuzzy shots with telephoto lenses of indistinct prisoners in jump suits. Journalists would use words like “infamous, feared, notorious and impenetrable”. There would be rumours of mistreatment, ex-cons would appear on cheap TV shows with hints on the conditions inside and The U.N. would raise eyebrows every time the jail got mentioned outside in the free world.
Obviously the jail would contain murders, paedophiles, people smugglers and BMW drivers. But there would be special wings for people who have never experienced sailing, everyone under 25 who weighs over 100 kilos, people who stay inside when the Simonsland weather service reports that it is over 25 ° C and motorcycle riders. Teenagers who don’t wear belts, fellow commuters that don’t give up seats to the elderly, shoppers who don’t hold doors open for the next person and litter bugs would be rounded up by the Simonsland police and left to ponder their fate and listen to pre-recorded fake screams and whipping noises, whilst they sit out open-ended sentences.
By far the biggest wing would be for two most harmful categories of scum. Architects and councillors that sit on town planning committees approving architect’s designs. Sure a murderer is a harmful member of the community causing imaginable loss and pain to those affected. But my point is that these poor people are a select group – architecture affects whole communities, towns, cities and even countries. It takes one idiot architect and one halfwit councillor to set a whole community on the slippery slope to destruction.
Architects are educated types, mostly having to qualify by gaining a degree that takes 3 – 4 years of study. How in the name of sanity, after all this time and effort, can they then produce eyesores that they stand back and look at and think “hmm that steel and concrete 10 storey building just fits in fine with the other buildings in this quaint village with its wooden houses not over tree level”. Even worse is the councillor who then rubber stamps his approval on this pimple on the un-acneed face of the land. Once this process is complete, it is all too easy for the next guy with red braces, glasses and a pencil to come up with some even more hideous – only having to point to the building next door to prove his point – “if they got away with it, so can I”.
Are you spotting some resentment here? Well yes – earn yourself a valuable “get out of jail free” card (non-transferable). The village I live in used to be that idyllic picture postcard type tourist trap that your Granny would fondly recount about that she visited in her youth. The early hotels here were nothing more than wooden, two storey affairs that sat perfectly in tune with their surroundings. Not a neon light, concrete slab, steel girder or florescent vest wearing builder in sight. This most delightful of status-quos was upset by the two aforementioned categories of criminals – yes the architect and town councillor. Now we are in the midst of an architectural orgy of concrete lawlessness – anything goes (including style and common sense). Now I am to art and design that Elvis Presley was to healthy eating, but even I constantly say “how can they think that passes in?” or “who thought that was attractive?”
Simonsland would be a stunning place to live, not just because of its Supreme Leader but with the threat of the Simonsland penal system. However there is one drawback here and that is the population of Simonsland would probably be 1.
© William Simons
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