Wednesday 25 August 2010

The 25th of August – It is not a matter of life and death, it is more important than that.

The most important day in the year for the majority of Swedes is the 25th of August. This day sees a mysterious rise in job absences through sickness or holiday, children are suddenly dropped off at school earlier and picked up later. Nobody expects a telephone or email to be answered on this day, if your plumbing starts leaking or your car won’t start; not a sole will do anything about it.
Why? It might be Claudia Schiffer’s, Billy-Ray Cyrus’, Sean Connery’s and Ivan The Terrible’s birthday. It might also be the day that Matthew Webb was the first person to swim the English Channel and that Elton John first performed in The United States; all these things are true of this seemingly inconsequential day in the middle of August. However there is one more mark in the diary that needs to be entered, one more reason not to go to work – and that is that the 25th of August sees the opening day of the small game hunting season in Sweden.
This is the day that thousands of dog lovers, outdoor enthusiasts and hunters have been looking forward to, having sleepless nights over and clearing their schedules for since the first day of March the previous year. This is the day when after a long summer spent on beaches dreaming about this singularly most important day, men and women can finally get out into the forests, lakes and hills of Sweden and start hunting for quarries such as grouse, hares, capercaillie and ducks.
These types of hunting differ from your usual vision of hunting in that they are a sport for the people, for Joe The Plumber (who of course has his phone turned off) and for the thousands of people that love the outdoors, enjoy their friend’s company and take pleasure from seeing their dog do something that they have trained all spring and summer for. My favorite tipple from the bar of hunting, is grouse hunting with pointing dogs – forget your stereotypical vision of some toffs going out, dressed to the nines in tweed. This is a sport where two friends can get some fresh air, talk rubbish to each other and enjoy watching their dogs quarter into the breeze without having to worry about electricity bills and car payments. Who cares if you actually shoot anything? Days spent this way are there to be treasured and enjoyed for what they are.
So happy birthday Claudia, but I’m sorry. If your invitation to your birthday party where naked jelly wrestling is involved and the finest wines know to humanity are available, lands in my post box – I’M BUSY!

© William Simons



Thursday 19 August 2010

The 5 best action movies of all time

Ask a hundred different movie critics this question and you are going to get a hundred different answers. Before I reveal my hand on the poker table of criticism, let’s just touch on what makes a great action movie. First it has to be memorable, second it has to have real action and not just computer generated blue screen effects and most importantly for me it has to have outstanding acting.
In no particular order we are going to begin with two movies from my youth, both staring the same actor. First of course is the first (or is it third) and oldest Star Wars. Who can forget the ground breaking action scenes with light sabers flashing and that awesome sound being bounced around the cinema? Not only is this a great film in itself but it also set the benchmark for all future sci-fi movies and without this mark we would not have movies like Bladerunner and The Matrix.
Harrisons Ford’s other movie in my list is Indiana Jones. The first scene alone of him grabbing the treasure in the cave and then trying to run from the boulder is worth my vote alone. There are unforgettable fight scenes with the airplane or the truck chase where he goes under the truck – no computers used there!
Thirdly I have picked out a film that has outstanding acting, the coolest lines and one of the best reasons to buy a stereo home cinema outfit ever; namely Heat. The scenes where Al Pacino and Robert De Niro meet in the diner and the final scene at the airfield are truly electric and the peak of director Michael Mann’s work.
One movie that is not only a top 5 action movie, but also a reality check is Saving Private Ryan. Steven Spielberg manages to capture a terrific action movie and sum up the horrors of war in one fall swoop. Despite what some Europeans have criticized as American bias, the opening beach scene is not only realistic but a tribute to all military service personnel worldwide.
Finally I have a movie from left field. The Professional (or simple Leon as it was titled in Europe) has some stunning cinematography, amazing action scenes and most of all the coolest lines spoke by any actor. Gary Oldman’s lines of “Billy, bring me everyone”. “What do you mean everyone?” “EVVV REEEEE ONNNEEE!!!!” Still brings a shiver to my spine.
So there it is apologies to Top Gun, The Matrix, Cannonball Run and Gladiator and all the other movies that have not walked the red carpet of recognition, but the thing about action movies that I always say when anybody asks what the best movie is of all time – I haven’t seen it yet, but it would probably be a combination of these five.

Tuesday 17 August 2010

Buying a vintage motorcycle helmet

If you own a classic motorcycle it is a must to also own a classic, vintage helmet. Forget Italian designed full-face, anti-fog streamlined affairs; the collar must match the cuffs. Don’t imagine that buying a classic helmet means trawling round e-bay for endless hours and then ending up with something that smells of 70’s brill-cream. Now you can buy a vintage motorcycle helmet that is new, comfortable and above all conforms to all modern safety standards.
If you do go down the pre-owned route, try to get your hands on the helmet before you agree the deal. The main problem with used helmets is that the foam padding inside the helmet deteriorates over time, rendering the protection virtually useless. However the avid motorcycle fan can spend hours finding the right helmet just for them – don’t forget that you have a chance to reflect your personality, your favorite era, movie or film star when you buy a helmet. Why not search for the helmet that your father or grandfather had when you were young? Of course if you go for the open face option, don’t forget the cool shades or aviator style goggles!
With new vintage-style helmets, you have the comfort in knowing that they meet all current safety standards, have not already been involved in a crash and that there hasn’t been a previous owner who has had head lice. The ranges are huge from open face, three quarter to full face helmet. Do you want to look like Evil Knievel, a pilot or astronaut? Most of the helmets are strictly in the “you get what you pay for” class. Expect to pay from around $100 for a basic helmet to up to $1000 for a helmet with all the bells and whistles.
Helmets are tested to set standards both in America and Europe, but even if you buy the best helmet possible; that can’t protect you if you aren’t wearing it. Be safe out on the roads and enjoy your vintage motorcycling and helmet!

Thursday 12 August 2010

Design takes 2

William Simons explains that it takes two to tango and what went wrong with his mobile that took photos of the inside of his pocket.

Behind every successful leader there stands a partner with a headache and behind every successful designer there is someone with a huge amount of commercial and common sense – just like Laurel and Hardy, Butch and Sundance; you can’t have one without the other. Let me explain what I mean. Not too long ago I owned a beautifully compact mobile phone, with large buttons matched for my sausage-like fingers and a large screen to see who you are dialing when drunk. No apps to download, no chat functions, email or surf capability. It worked great as a telephone, looked cool and didn’t pretend to be anything else than a phone– in short the perfect mobile for me. The only thing was that this particular make of telephone had left the design studio, by-passed anyone with a brain and gone straight to market. On average it took 40 photographs of my inside pocket a day and there was a little blue flashing light on it to show you that it was turned on, which was so bright in the bedroom at night I had recurring nightmares about being raided by a SWAT team.
On the web there are many examples of this “one person” design. In one camp, sites with so many bells, whistles, flash movies and voiceovers that make you just want to throw your laptop out of the nearest window. Take a look at this firm of Californian architects or this snowboard manufacturer, what are these guys trying to sell, what should I click on? I’m sorry but can someone tell the bespectacled hipster that designed this, that I do not have a decade to explore your over-designed site to find your telephone number! On the other side of the coin, there are sites designed by people like me – with no sense in what looks good or bad, just take me to the point websites. Look at the way America’s favorite supermarket doesn’t mess around. No “hello and welcome”, no flash introduction – just BANG “what are you going to buy today?” One of Europe’s most popular budget airlines is even more like the equivalent of the school bully. Give me you money and get the hell out of Dodge.
We can even take this one person team idea into PR. Just look at the mess BP have got themselves into. Before the now infamous Senate hearing, their CEO Tony Hayward obviously had someone with an undersized micro-dot’s worth of Senate experience advising him. He stuck to that advice rigidly; however the advisor obviously did not have time to get to the part where he told Hayward “if you keep stonewalling them you will look like a twat”. Cue the most newsworthy sound bites just falling into TV’s execs laps.
Design is a partnership, not just of form and function but of form and money – meaning that design briefs should always have dollar bills as their first point. Sure you can dress “money making” up with fancy terms – “we want to drive traffic to our site” = more visitors means more revenue, “we want to reposition ourselves” = a higher class of customers pay more money and “we want to show the uniqueness of our product” = we can charge extra for it if you think it is special. If only the company that had manufactured my mobile could have read this, but then again if all designers read this, we wouldn’t have Italian sports cars, Concorde and other form over function items to be inspired by.

Tuesday 10 August 2010

Why blog

The smarty-pant’s answer is why not? The thinking man’s answer is for a number of reasons, but let’s not fool anyone here – it’s mainly for money. Sure, bloggers dress their answer up as trying to drum up traffic, increase awareness of their journalistic credentials or simply to get something off their chest; but at the end of the day it all comes down to money. Today the web has become a free-for-all orgy for any grubby wordsmith who has two cents of an opinion – it is uncensored, unhindered and above all fuelled by the desire to plant commercials in front of the unsuspecting punter’s face. More traffic equals more ads equals more dollars.

Web-savvy companies use blogging as a cheap way to keep in touch with their customers and to therefore strengthen brand loyalty (and therefore make money). You can feel like the chosen one when your favourite clothes shops messages “just you” that they are having a drive on your favorite garment, or that you are the first one in the queue for a newly released product. Blogging has gone from some windbag waffling on about taking their dog for a walk, to major blue-chip companies gaining a cheap and easy foothold in the gorilla marketing stakes.



© William Simons

Monday 2 August 2010

OMG! BS PR by BP

William Simons charts the misuse of Public Relations by BP and wonders what went wrong.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was seeing the three stooges (Carl Henric Svanberg, Tony Hayward and Bob Dudley) outside BP’s corporate headquarters, looking like junior office workers who have nipped outside for a cheap cigarette, trying to explain why one sacked, persona non grata Chief Executive (Paul Hayward) is going east and another one is hastily being withdrawn from a country where he is as welcome as a turd in a swimming pool to replace the aforementioned Hayward in the west. Another monumental PR disaster from the company, which really knows how to turn a bad situation into a catastrophe. Rule number one in the Simons book of PR – control your environment. Instead of looking like rent boys waiting for tricks, why on earth hadn’t they invited a select TV crew into their boardroom with tasteful corporate logos in the background and answered a pre-agreed set of questions from a sympathetic interviewer?
The BP trail of economic and environmental disaster is by now well known. On the 20th April their Deepwater Horizon rig exploded killing 11 workers. This of course was an unimaginable tragedy for the families and friends of the workers involved, however this didn’t exactly make the front pages. In fact hardly anything was reported until a couple of weeks later when oil began showing up on the gulf’s beaches. Rule number 2 in the good book – be reactive in turning negatives into positives. How different our view of the personality-devoid, monotone Hayward would have been if we had seen him in a hard hat, piloting great environmental clean up vessels, ordering square-jawed oil workers to leap into action. What did we get? Nothing more than a reason to buy “Stupid White Men” and to vote green.
Enter stage left Tony Hayward at the hearing of The U.S. House Energy Subcommittee on Oversight and Investigations. Some American halfwit with an undersized microdot of senate hearing experience had obviously been advising Tony on how to conduct himself. He obviously didn’t have time to cover the “you are going to look like a twat if you constantly refuse to answer questions” chapter, resulting in one of the most stomach churning hearing performances in modern history and succeeding in nothing more than making the US / UK divide wider. Tony Hayward had single-handedly given news networks more 10-second, gut-wrenching sound bytes from this short hearing than Donald Rumsfeld had amassed in his lifetime.
Next idiot to come to the PR battle line – The Swede (or is he a turnip) Carl-Henric Svanberg, the former CEO of Swedish telecom giant Ericsson. Now Carl-Henric had been given as a special end of sale bonus, two dead bodies to resuscitate – BP’s nose-diving reputation and that of Paul Hayward. Next rule from my PR book, if English ain’t your first language – learn it proper like what I have. Swedes are of course very laid back and have the habit speaking English the way they speak Swedish most notably by emphasising the second syllable of each word. Hence we then have to listen to his semi Oxford English proclaiming “Paaaaaul is dooooooing an exxxxxxxxxcelent joooob”.
The question that springs to my mind is that “are these guys making so much money that they have lost touch with reality?” Certainly in the vanity, sanity, reality rating (turnover, profit, cash in the bank) they are in enviable territory and boy can you have so much fun with their figures. Based on their 2009 figures of revenues of $246 billion and profits of $16 billion, you can work out that globally BP’s cash registers are being filled up to the tune of $7000 every second and that they make a profit of $43 million a day! The shrimp fisherman, café owner and guest house proprietor whose business that these guys have ruined are so far fetched from their reality, that they can not hope to comprehend their suffering or financial loss. How indeed do you even begin to calculate loss? Sure for the fisherman he can say that last year he earned x and this year he earned y, cough up the difference BP. But what about the small businesses not directly effected by the spill? How does a gas station owner, miles from the gulf coast claim that his passing trade has been affected by these morons?
Where does BP go from here? Well replacing one failure with another isn’t going to cut the mustard. At least Bob Dudley in the short time he has been in the position hasn’t let himself be photographed on a luxury racing yacht or been overheard how sorry he feels for himself. The freshman’s business school textbook answer is obviously rebranding of the BP name and there is already some gossip that BP might just do that. The majority of the world is now going to inextricably link BP with their handling of the spill. However in my opinion BP need someone with such a unique quality that most spell-checkers don’t even recognise the word – they need a “do-er” and preferably a human one who can express feelings, give answers and listen. I’m not sure BP’s head-hunters had heard of such a person but most of the gulf coast population would be willing to help in the search.


©William Simons