Willam Simons the Supreme Leader of Simonsland explains about his new prison, that along with murders, paedophiles, people smugglers and BMW drivers; has a special wing for the most dangerous of citizens.
A cornerstone of the new world order of Simonsland would be a jail. Not any old jail but a large “Colditz” style castle, with whitewashed walls, perched inaccessible in some remote mountainous corner of the supreme leader’s state. Photographers would produce grainy, fuzzy shots with telephoto lenses of indistinct prisoners in jump suits. Journalists would use words like “infamous, feared, notorious and impenetrable”. There would be rumours of mistreatment, ex-cons would appear on cheap TV shows with hints on the conditions inside and The U.N. would raise eyebrows every time the jail got mentioned outside in the free world.
Obviously the jail would contain murders, paedophiles, people smugglers and BMW drivers. But there would be special wings for people who have never experienced sailing, everyone under 25 who weighs over 100 kilos, people who stay inside when the Simonsland weather service reports that it is over 25 ° C and motorcycle riders. Teenagers who don’t wear belts, fellow commuters that don’t give up seats to the elderly, shoppers who don’t hold doors open for the next person and litter bugs would be rounded up by the Simonsland police and left to ponder their fate and listen to pre-recorded fake screams and whipping noises, whilst they sit out open-ended sentences.
By far the biggest wing would be for two most harmful categories of scum. Architects and councillors that sit on town planning committees approving architect’s designs. Sure a murderer is a harmful member of the community causing imaginable loss and pain to those affected. But my point is that these poor people are a select group – architecture affects whole communities, towns, cities and even countries. It takes one idiot architect and one halfwit councillor to set a whole community on the slippery slope to destruction.
Architects are educated types, mostly having to qualify by gaining a degree that takes 3 – 4 years of study. How in the name of sanity, after all this time and effort, can they then produce eyesores that they stand back and look at and think “hmm that steel and concrete 10 storey building just fits in fine with the other buildings in this quaint village with its wooden houses not over tree level”. Even worse is the councillor who then rubber stamps his approval on this pimple on the un-acneed face of the land. Once this process is complete, it is all too easy for the next guy with red braces, glasses and a pencil to come up with some even more hideous – only having to point to the building next door to prove his point – “if they got away with it, so can I”.
Are you spotting some resentment here? Well yes – earn yourself a valuable “get out of jail free” card (non-transferable). The village I live in used to be that idyllic picture postcard type tourist trap that your Granny would fondly recount about that she visited in her youth. The early hotels here were nothing more than wooden, two storey affairs that sat perfectly in tune with their surroundings. Not a neon light, concrete slab, steel girder or florescent vest wearing builder in sight. This most delightful of status-quos was upset by the two aforementioned categories of criminals – yes the architect and town councillor. Now we are in the midst of an architectural orgy of concrete lawlessness – anything goes (including style and common sense). Now I am to art and design that Elvis Presley was to healthy eating, but even I constantly say “how can they think that passes in?” or “who thought that was attractive?”
Simonsland would be a stunning place to live, not just because of its Supreme Leader but with the threat of the Simonsland penal system. However there is one drawback here and that is the population of Simonsland would probably be 1.
© William Simons
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